Aiming higher isn't always easy. You have to put a stop sign in your mind and remember that some things take time. I learned that today. Well, not only today, but I've been learning that since I moved to London. I want to achieve so many things, I want to see so much, I want to become a lot more than I am and most of all, I don't wanna fail. I don't wanna end up as a business woman/wife/mom who had the dream of seeing the world and didn't make it. I don't want to end up like those bitter old women that shout at children to get off their lawn. I want to be the cool auntie, the amazing daughter, the adventurous friend, the romantic and sensual partner. I want to be the one for someone. I'm not saying I want to be the President of the United States or something, I'm just saying that I wanna matter. To someone, anyone, it doesn't matter. I just wanna achieve something important, I want to achieve my dreams, I want to be the best "me" that I can. How am I going to do it? I thought I'd be happy to move to London and don't get me wrong, I am. But it's not enough. I want more, I always want more. Is it good? Bad? I don't know, but I'll always aim for more. Whatever that means.
I feel like I need to say something, like I have something to say. But now I sit here and stare at the computer screen realizing that this feeling of emptiness, of sadness and irritation will not go away with a little writing session. I need to scream at someone, I need to break something. I'm pissed at everybody, I'm mad with the world...
You know when you meet someone and you are instantly amazed, thinking they're going to do amazing things and you're gonna like them and be friends with them...but then you realize you're wrong? You actually start hanging out with them and that feeling fades away because you start seeing them for who they are. They judge anything and everything, they mock and joke around with things you like and it stops being just a joke to be offensive...And the person you, at first, thought was amazing is now a little bastard you hate more every second.
And now here I am, with that asshole across the room, trying to send him away with my indirects that no one seems to understand, listening to "Brave" by Sara Bareilles whishing I was brave enough to say to his face that he needs to stop showing up at my house and always be here with my friend because I don't like him and he makes me mad. Fuck.
I want hopelessly romantic love. I want someone to think I'm perfect. I want to be someone's everything and anything. I want to wake up in the morning and smell an amazing breakfast being cooked just for me. I want to be told stupid jokes to make me smile. I want someone to love me like Noah loved Allie, eternally, until the end. I want to be stared at because they think I'm beautiful. I want someone to love my flaws above everything else. I want to be held in someone's arms with so much strength it'll be hard for me to move. I want someone to hold me when I have nightmares. I want someone to laugh when I get a cappuccino mustache. I want to have long walks on the beach, even if its cold. I want to be surprised with flowers on a bad day. I want someone to cheer me up with stupid faces. I want a best friend, above all things. I want to cook dinner for them after a long day. I want to wear their hoodies and sweaters. I want to share the good and the bad moments. I want someone who I can laugh and be weird with. I want love. But not this modern type of love... I want to be picked up for a first date, I want him to walk me home and kiss me in front of the house. I want him to apologize with flowers when we argue. I want to cook him breakfast. I want to be hugged from behind. I want to make love, not sex. I want romance, goofiness and most of all...I want love. But the true kind, the ones people write stories about. The kind of love everyone wants, but not everyone gets.